deep thinking

Somethings wrong with me recently..

I'm like not getting well (still has loads of phlegm) and been thinking lots too.. I guess i still hate being alone, but can handle it better. Sides, i can always read. Have a new book from a colleague that i'm reading now.. Pretty good.. So. i'm occupied. :)

Oh well, recently i've been doing funny stuff.. Like urm, really slacking.. Sitting down and actually thinking.. Stare at scenery (or actually nothing in particular, trees and stuff) and start thinking.. Honestly, its been a long time since i actually dared to think so much.. Most times negative thoughts come into my mind, so i hardly dwell on them.

Anyways, let me admit that i am quite a coward. When things happen, the current me runs, instead of facing it. I really am no longer who i used to be. i used to be fearless, no afraid to make mistakes, if there was something i want to do, i would without hesitation, do it. Urm, the current me? Not too sure what i do when things happen now.. I used to anticipate. One of my friend's said he learnt the true meaning of anticipate when he was with me. Come to think of it, i used to leave deep impressions on the people i've been around with. The current me? Kinda like a sitting duck. And guess what, i'm like starting to really not like to be around people, except a minority..

I probably am more mature than i used to be, which is a good thing. but i remembered a conversation between me and an old friend quite a long time ago, he said i lost some of my innocence, and he could feel a heavy heart. *sigh*

I never keep my friends for long, i dont know why. Afraid of getting hurt maybe.

Lets see, friends i really treasured. i know i accounted for them before, but lets do it again in updated details.

Here goes, only for those who'll never read my page..

For always understanding me, even if we have not even been talking. For loving my innocence and simplicity, i tried to stay that way, but things happen, and i am never the same. I know you felt i had a heavy heart the last time you saw me, but there are things i never could share anymore. For forgiving me drawing away, perhaps ruining the whole friendship and never getting it back, i still hold you deep in my heart. My teacher and friend. I never forgot the times we sang together, the times you sang for me, wrote a song together, dreamt many dreams together, the endless phone conversations and lastly, for making me fall so in love with Steven Curtis Chapman. I guess we didnt lose track of each other, i guess i lost track of you. For that, i am sorry.

For really always running to my side when i am in trouble. For really always being there without fail. For your shoulder to cry on, for helping me through my recent hard times. For the comfort you bring me. For the time you spent, letting me cry and hugging me through it. My always reliable friend, i am sorry i had to let you go. We were too close for my liking, and my boyfriend's liking.
P.S. i always loved your perfume. :P

For the sweetest sms you sent me. We really could click, and yet i lost you. For forgiving me when i never tried to get you back. For the sweetest message you sent through friendster. For just wanting me to be happy. For all the times we spent fooling around, for me staying over, cleaning up the house, cooking, playing with your dog, bathing your dog. I wish you happiness, you and your guy.

For helping me do the right thing yet i never contacted you since. For bearing with me when i was most unreasonable. I know i promised to make it up to you, but somethings dont just go back to where they were do they? Sorry girl.

And one for the newest person in my life.

For singing me the sweetest songs. For staying through with me when i was down. For helping me remember the dreams i used to have, the things i wanted to do. For everything, for just being you.

For the current important person in my life

For always being there and being understanding. For bearing with my wilfulness. And i can be so unreasonable sometimes. For throwing me that wake up call years ago, but i guess i have not woken up totally. For sticking through with me. For changing for me. For loving me for who i am. For the many many things we do together. For always forgiving me, even the gravest mistakes. For always willing to work things out.

We've gone through much, and i tire of saying the things i have to repeat over and over again. I'm not the greatest girl, and i thank you for bearing with me. We've changed for each other, so much we cant remember what it was that started us out. Things will never be the same again.. I know the ball is in my court. Thing is, you never try to make me stay.

Right, about there. Recently i dont know why i do the things i do. Used to be rational, act from the head on not from the heart. Yet, recently i keeping acting to what my heart says. Bad move sometimes i guess. Now i have to make sure i pick up the pieces and clear the mess i made. Big mess. I know not how for now. Guess i'll have to take things as they come.

*sigh* I always hurt the people i love most. Got to do something about that. Its me, its nothing to do with you, if you are reading this.